Your Still Mine

So you’ve heard people say “everything happens for a reason,” or “it wasn’t meant to be.” In March I was ready to punch, scream, fight or cry when I heard those phrases all too often when my world stopped and went into slow motion.

My husband and I were expecting our third child! It was a long awaited pregnancy after getting pregnant so easily with our first two, it seemed like it wasn’t going to happen again! Every month getting my period again, just seemed like someone was laughing saying “better luck next time.”

After months and months of things not going in our favour we were finally pregnant! With a due date of October 1st!

Our 8 week ultrasound! What a cutie right!!! After seeing our baby we start making plans for the future! Talking about names and whether we wanted to know the gender of our baby, and everything that comes with expecting a baby!

Two weeks later our world and dreams became a brutal downward spiral. It was a Thursday, I didn’t feel quiet right, which is expected to happen with pregnancy and nothing it the same from one (pregnancy) to the next so thinking I was just uncomfortable, I went to the washroom and was scared beyond words can describe! There was not blood but it wasn’t “normal” what was happening so off to the emergency department.

The doctor was awesome! He explained everything to me. He brought in a portable ultrasound machine and I was scared so scared but on the screen there was our baby!!! Heart beating and jumping around. I could breath!

It turned out I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. Like okay what the hell is that?! Blood had gotten trapped between where the baby implanted and my uterus. The next step was a cervix check if my cervix was closed things were looking good! However if my cervix was open it could be a different outcome.

As I lay there on the bed waiting to see what was going to happen to my baby I tried very hard to keep positive. I seen my baby right? Moving and the heart beating! After getting check my cervix was still closed! This was awesome news!! I left emerg feeling pretty good about our pregnancy!

Saturday my in laws came we told them our news! Everyone was so excited! It was a great day! Saturday night I hopped in the bath, where there I began getting cramps. They got worse and worse to the point that I couldn’t find my words! All of a sudden the water was red and the pain was unbearable!

I managed to get out of the tub and yell for my mother in law to get my husband. He came running in, I couldn’t find the words to tell him that I think we are losing our baby. I couldn’t move, was I dreaming? I just seen our baby two days ago! How is this possible?!

He got me ready for a trip back to the emergency department! The pain oh my no one ever told me the pain!!! Once we got seen we were rushed into a room where our worst fears where becoming a reality!

They said they couldn’t be sure with the ultrasound department closed but were fairly certain that our pregnancy was no longer viable. The doctor then decided that I was bleeding more then he liked and decided he needed to remove some clots! I lay and cry as my baby and it’s home were being removed from my body! After some monitoring we were sent home to grieve and wait for ultrasound on Monday.

I went to bed not wanting to talk to anyone. I woke frequently to change, at 230 in the morning we made another trip to emergency department, after just about passing out and losing a lot of blood

We arrived and with the movements of walking I had to change again, while in the bathroom I felt dizzy again getting my bearings I left the bathroom the nurse got me in bed and worked on starting two IV lines. I felt like I was getting distant and wanted to sleep the nurse was trying to keep me awake but she seemed so far away… I was able to stay awake and try to live through this nightmare.

Waiting for the doctor to check me over I lay and think all the worst things. The doctor examined me again and decided that he needed to once again remove more clots for me. I lay again in pain. After I was kept for monitoring.

I think we left around 9am. I can still remember the looks on everyone’s faces as we left knowing deep down that we didn’t really need the ultrasound the next day to confirm our fears, we were living them.

The day passed in slow motion. My two children got me through the day as well as my amazing husband who allowed me to have the time I needed to myself. Even though the kids didn’t know what was going on they were full of endless snuggles.

Monday came, the fear, terror and sadness came with it. Usually going for an ultrasound was such an exciting time, this was very much the opposite. I was finally called into the room. I was then told that I was not allowed to look at the screen or be told any news I would have to wait and meet with the doctor in the emergency department. So once again I lay while my body gets invaded looking and searching for something I pray was there!

Then back to the waiting room, luckily I had the same doctor that gave me the ray of hope on Thursday so I didn’t need to try and explain what was going on. He entered the room and told me that our fears where a reality that our baby was gone and my womb was empty…

My day passed in slow motion, I was so tired and slept most of the day. People finally stopped asking questions and just let the time pass and the healing begin.

As I write this today it has been 9 months since my miscarriage my baby would be roughly 2 months old right now. I think about the baby often and always have the “what if’s” in my mind. Will they ever go away?!

For any family struggling through this now or from the past you are not alone! Your hearts are broken and the world feels like a cruel place! It’s okay to be sad when you see that new mom gleaming with joy as she looks at her newborn. It’s okay to angry because it’s not fair. You will get through this one day at a time it might go minute by minute but you can do it!!! I believe in you and need you to believe in me as we go through a grieving process together. Your baby is loved and will always be a part of you! Your baby made you a mother or father and no one can take that away. I want to leave you with this it spoke to me. Please share your stories, and let me know if time heals.

Until we meet again,



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